


this is the one cold truth we've always known

by majesdane



Category: Sucker Punch (2011)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-12
Updated: 2011-10-12
Packaged: 2018-01-11 22:49:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1178895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/majesdane/pseuds/majesdane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU, based off the movie "But, I'm a Cheerleader!" | <i>It was almost funny, in a weird, not-actually-funny kind of way.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	this is the one cold truth we've always known

i knew there were things i should never find beautiful. like death. and girls.

\-- crab apple pirates, andrea gibson

 

 

She wasn't gay.

Ever since her parents had shipped her off to Camp Lennox, one of those de-gaying places that Sweet Pea had previously only thought of as being fictional, she'd been trying to convince everyone that she wasn't gay. She'd never been gay, in fact, had never even been a little curious, which made it so frustrating when everyone kept insisting that she was. And it was entirely Rocket's fault.

Rocket, her step-sister, who had somehow managed to rope Sweet Pea into practicing kissing with her. Sweet Pea had been entirely against the idea from the start, but Rocket had kept on about it, stating that it was fine. They weren't blood relatives after all, and anyway, no one would know. They could just do it once and then never, ever speak of it again. It would be fine.

But of course, it hadn't been fine; the moment Sweet Pea had leaned forward and brushed her lips against Rocket's, Sweet Pea's mother had come into the room. Everything had gone straight downhill from there; Sweet Pea's mother had been furious and demanded an explanation. Not like that had helped at all. The next day, Sweet Pea's parents had sat her down with Dr. Vera Gorski, the director of Camp Lennox, and laid out exactly what was expected of her. Being a lesbian was not okay, they told her. They had not raised her to be like that.

"But, I'm not a lesbian," Sweet Pea told her parents, shocked.

"Sweet Pea -- "

"I'm not!" Sweet Pea flushed. "Why would you think that?"

"We haven't ever seen you with a boy," her mother said, her eyes red from crying. "You don't have any interest in them." Sweet Pea opened her mouth to protest, but her mother kept on. "You love Sylvia Plath, you hate romance movies, you're always watching sports -- "

"I don't see what that has to do with anything," Sweet Pea grumbled, annoyed now. "Lots of girls like those things. Lots of heterosexual girls."

Her stepfather glared at her. "You're not like them," he said coldly. "You're perverted, Charlotte."

Her parents never called her Charlotte -- no one did, except her teachers. Everyone always referred to her by her nickname, one she'd gotten back in elementary school. She was the Good Daughter, at least compared to Rocket. Of course, that wasn't true now; just like that, Sweet Pea was now on the outs with her parents. Like they'd forgotten who she was.

"I'm not perverted," Sweet Pea protested, softening her tone in hopes that her parents would feel sorry for her and change their minds. "I get good grades, I go to church every Sunday. I always do whatever you ask of me and I never get into trouble. And this is just all a big misunderstanding. Mom," she said, turning in her chair to face her mother, "what you saw, um, with me and Rocket, it's not what you think."

Not like explaining helped very much; her mother just burst into a fresh round of tears and Rocket turned a bright red color and looked like she wanted to disappear. Her stepfather kept shaking his head and muttering about how Sweet Pea was sick and perverted. The more Sweet Pea insisted that she wasn't gay, the more and more convinced her parents became convinced that she was. After all, as Gorski had supplied helpfully, interjecting herself into the conversation, denial was very common. In time she'd come to see that there was something wrong with her that needed to be fixed.

And it would be fixed, Dr. Gorski assured Sweet Pea's parents, who sat on the couch clutching each other's hands, like they'd just gotten the news that there'd been some kind of terrible tragedy. Which was probably what they considered Sweet Pea's apparent homosexuality to be.

It was almost funny, in a weird, not-actually-funny kind of way. Sweet Pea had never seen her parents act like this before. Her mom had always been fairly religious, yes, but she wasn't some kind of fanatic. She voted Democrat even, sometimes, for Christ's sake. And her stepfather had always seemed pretty cool. Granted, she'd never had to think about her parents' opinions on homosexuality until then, but she'd never counted on her parents to be those kinds of parents. Camp Lennox sounded scary to Sweet Pea, and she wasn't even gay.

Rocket kept very quiet during the whole, humiliating ordeal, something which Sweet Pea was still angry about. It wouldn't have been that hard for Rocket to speak up and defend Sweet Pea, considering how many times Sweet Pea had had her back. She'd always been there for Rocket, because that was what sisters -- even step-sisters -- did. Of course the one time she needed Rocket, Rocket wasn't there for her.

(Still, she wasn't that angry; she could understand why Rocket hadn't wanted to get involved.)

 

;;

 

"Aw, you didn't get your iPod taken away? Lucky." Blondie pouted, twisting a strand of dark hair around her finger.

Blondie was Sweet Pea's roommate in the girls' wing of the dormitories at Lennox. She was about a foot shorter than Sweet Pea, with long raven hair and wide, dark chestnut eyes. She was standing by Sweet Pea's desk, looking through the box of stuff Sweet Pea had left there. "Gorski always takes mine from me the first day I get here. She says that my music is too 'homosexual in nature.'" Blondie mimed quotation marks with her fingers. "You'd think by now she would have figured out that listening to Tegan and Sara isn't what keeps me from walking the straight and narrow."

"Yeah, well, I don't listen to Tegan and Sara," Sweet Pea told her, looking at Blondie over the top of her book.

Blondie laughed and put in one of the earphones, scrolling through Sweet Pea's iPod. "So, what's your story, anyway?"

"My story?" Sweet Pea turned a page. She wished Blondie would just go away; it was bad enough her parents had shipped her off to this place, but she hadn't counted on having to deal with a roommate as well. "I don't have a story."

"Sure you do," Blondie told her, sitting down on her bed across from Sweet Pea. "Everyone does. Like me: I got sent here the summer before I started high school. I was fooling around with this friend of mine -- I had a ridiculous crush on her -- and we ended up kissing and my dad walked in on us. Needless to say, he wasn't happy. Two days later my bags were packed and here I was. I've come here every summer since then," she said, sounding quite proud of that fact. "So. How'd you get here?"

It was like they were telling stories about how they got locked up. Which, now that Sweet Pea thought about it, wasn't really all that far off from reality. "I sort of kissed my step-sister," she mumbled, more to her book than to Blondie. "It wasn't like -- I'm not gay," she said, meeting Blondie's eyes with a hard stare. "My parents just misunderstood the situation; Rocket, my step-sister, was going on some big date and she wanted to make sure she knew how to kiss properly and, well, you get it." Sweet Pea stared straight ahead at her book, blushing violently.

Blondie scoffed. "Oh come on, that's not that bad," she said, stretching out and giving Sweet Pea's mattress a kick.

Sweet Pea gave her a look. "How is that not that bad?"

"I mean, they could have caught you doing something a lot worse. Think about it." She punched the skip button on Sweet Pea's iPod. "And you've totally got the whole, 'oh, it was just practice' excuse down pat. You'll be out of here in no time."

"It's not an excuse -- " Sweet Pea started, just as a bell rang out.

Blondie rolled off her bed, setting Sweet Pea's iPod down on the nightstand that stood between their beds. "Socializing time is over, I guess," she said, pulling on her Converse high tops, and moving over to the mirror on the back of their door, checking herself out. "Time for classes."

Sweet Pea stood, dog-earing her page for later. "What do you mean, classes?"

 

;;

 

Classes, apparently, were a big part of Lennox's rehabilitation program, Blondie explained, as she led Sweet Pea down the main hall. Dr. Gorski had a whole program planned out, which Blondie declared she could probably do in her sleep by now. "They're all about reinforcing stereotypical gender roles," Blondie said, making a face. "It's total bullshit, but Gorski seems to think it works."

The classroom was painted a nauseating bubblegum pink color. A few girls where already seated in the chairs positioned in a circle in the center of the room. They looked up briefly as Blondie and Sweet Pea entered the room, sitting down on opposite sides of the circle. A girl sitting to Sweet Pea's right was reading a book.

"Ali Smith," Sweet Pea said conversationally, reading the cover. "I really like her stuff. I love how the words just flow so easily together. Like poetry."

The girl turned, pulling her glasses up and resting them on the top of her head. "Oh, a fan." She sounded surprised. She closed her book, turning in her seat. "You're the only one I know who's read her. Well, aside from myself, I mean. This one here is my favorite of hers," she told Sweet Pea, tapping the cover. "It helps, too, that it has such an innocuous title, so Gorski doesn't bother to ask what it's actually about. I'm Amber," she said with a smile, sticking her hand out towards Sweet Pea."This is your first time here, isn't it?"

Sweet Pea nodded.

"Don't worry; it's really not as bad as it seems." Amber offered her a small smile. "I mean, I've already been through the program once before and I survived."

"You've been here before?" Sweet Pea frowned. "Do most of the girls who come here once end up having to come back again?" It was bad enough that her parents had forced her to be here in the first place. She dreaded the idea of having to go back the following summer.

Amber grinned. "No. Most only do one year; everyone here aside from myself and Blondie is new," she told Sweet Pea, nodding the the girls sitting across from them. "Some of us just, uh, need a little more help with the whole gay thing." She sounded amused.

Sweet Pea said, "Well, it's no problem for me. I'm not gay. I don't like girls at all."

Amber laughed.

"It's not a joke. I was telling the truth: I'm straight."

"Lots of girls say that when they first come here," Amber said, still grinning. "It won't get you anywhere."

Sweet Pea frowned and sat back in her chair, just as Dr. Gorski came into the room, followed by a man with dark, closely cropped hair who Sweet Pea didn't recognize. All of the girls quieted down once Dr. Gorski came in; she sat down in one of the chairs in the circle, while the man lingered by the doorway, arms crossed. Sweet Pea figured he was probably one of the counselors or something, but he didn't look nice and helpful, just mean. It made her nervous.

"Welcome, ladies," Dr. Gorski said with a bright smile, folding her hands in her lap. "Welcome to Camp Lennox. For those who don't know, my name is Dr. Vera Gorski, the head counselor and director of Camp Lennox. And that man over there," she turned and pointed towards the door, "is Blue Jones. He is primarily in charge of the boys' section of camp -- and you'll meet them later on, as we go further into the program -- but occasionally you will see him around here on the girls' section as well. Aside from myself and Blue, there are also about a dozen counselors here to assist you at Camp Lennox. Does anyone have any questions so far?"

No one did. Sweet Pea stared at a scuff mark on the floor.

Dr. Gorski continued. "Well then," she said, "shall we begin? The most important step is to first admit that you're a homosexual; it's only then that we can move forward. Denial is common, so it's good that we can be truthful about ourselves here, where we can be supportive of each other." She paused, beaming at them. "Suzanne," she said, her eyes settling on Blondie, who grimaced."Why don't you start us off?"

Blondie sighed and stood up. "I'm Blondie. And I like girls -- a lot." She winked at Amber, who rolled her eyes. Dr. Gorski cleared her throat loudly and Blondie sat back down with a smug grin, crossing her legs and leaning back in her chair.

The other girls went around the room introducing themselves. There was April, who looked like a walking stereotype, with her short haircut and piercing; Sarah, who was on her school's varsity crew team; Lynn, easily the most gorgeous girl of the group; Amy with her candy apple red colored hair; and Bailey, Amber's roommate. Sweet Pea felt like such an outsider, sitting here with them. She wasn't like these girls -- she wasn't gay. She dreaded having to stand up and introduce herself.

Amber stood, clasping her hands in front of her: "I'm Amber. This is my second year here. And I'm a homosexual." She sat down quickly, looking over at Sweet Pea.

At last it was her turn. She stood up, shoving her hands deep into the pockets of her hoodie. "Um, I'm Charlotte," she said, glancing quickly around the group. "But everyone calls me Sweet Pea, so you can call me that. If you want." She paused; Dr. Gorski was looking at her expectantly. "And I'm -- I'm not gay."

She sat back down quickly, feeling her face grow hot. "Well," Dr. Gorski said, after a moment, taking off her glasses and folding them up. "It seems we all have a lot of work to do this summer, don't we? Some more than others, of course," she added, looking pointedly at Sweet Pea, who wanted nothing more than to just be able to storm out and go back home.

But she couldn't do that, so instead she just mumbled along in agreement with the rest of the girls, and was silent the rest of the afternoon, while Dr. Gorski informed them all about what they could expect for the rest of the summer. They were going to be reformed by the end of August, Dr. Gorski explained, reading off of her clipboard. The rules were laid out as such: any sort of romantic or sexual interaction between the girls was strictly prohibited. Girls who were caught breaking this rule would be kicked out of the program. They were also prohibited from leaving the grounds of the camp; one violation of this rule would result in disciplinary action. Two violations would lead to dismissal from the program.

"And that's it," Dr. Gorski finished at last, setting her clipboard back down on her lap. She looked around the group expectantly; most of the girls looked bored. Blondie was picking at a scab on her knee. Sweet Pea slouched down in her chair, staring at a crack in one of the tiles near her foot. After a long moment, Dr. Gorski cleared her throat. "Okay. Let's begin our first lesson."

 

;;

 

Blondie had been right: the classes they had to take were bullshit, Sweet Pea thought, as they sat in a lecture hall that afternoon watching a movie about the role of women in society. It seemed more like they were trying to turn the girls into fifties housewives, rather than make them heterosexual. Sweet Pea was pretty certain that a woman wasn't straight just because she stayed at home and darned socks while wearing an apron.

"I told you it was horrible," Blondie whispered to Sweet Pea, who yawned for the fourth time that hour. "Welcome to three months of hell."

The best part of the day was their free time -- an hour before dinner and two hours after their one evening class. Sweet Pea had sat with Amber in the lounge in their dormitory reading. Blondie and a couple of the other girls had gone off to find somewhere to smoke without getting caught, while the rest had decided to go down to the lake for a swim.

"You're rooming with Blondie, aren't you?" Amber asked that evening, as she turned a page in her book. "I'm right across the hall. We lived across the hall from each other last year too."

"Oh," Sweet Pea said, looking up. "Are you guys friends?"

"Not really," Amber said. She smiled at that, but it seemed to be a comment unto herself. "But we get along okay."

The whole rooming situation didn't really make much sense to Sweet Pea; it seemed pretty counterintuitive, sticking a bunch of (suspected; at least in her case) lesbians in one dorm together. On the first night together, Blondie had hopped out of bed as soon as lights out had been called and the counselors had come around the rooms to make sure everyone was where they were supposed to be.

"What are you doing?" Sweet Pea asked, sitting up as Blondie rummaged around in her desk drawer, pulling out a tube of lipgloss, which she applied as she stood in front of their mirror, trying to get her hair just so. "Are you sneaking out? You're going to get us in trouble."

Blondie rolled her eyes, brushing her bangs to the side. "Don't be such a goody-goody. They just did final checks, no one's going to find out I'm not here. Besides, everyone sneaks out at night. How else do you think we manage to survive this crap?" She spun around, grinning. "You met Amber, right? She's my sort-of girlfriend."

Sweet Pea tried not to let the surprise show on her face, feeling a little stupid for not having already figured it out. "Yeah, she's nice," she told Blondie. "But," she added, twisting a corner of the sheet in her hands, "why are you -- I mean, don't you even want to try and like, you know. Get better?"

Blondie laughed. "It's not a disease, Sweet Pea. This isn't something you can be cured of."

"I'm just saying." Sweet Pea flushed.

"So am I." Blondie pocketed her lipgloss, sliding her feet into her sandals. "Look, it's not hurting anyone else if we're sneaking around. It's not like you'd get into any trouble if they caught us. After all," she said, with a smirk, "you're pretty much exactly the kind of model girl Camp Lennox is looking for. Blonde, pretty, and desperate to be straight. It's sort of endearing, in a sad kind of way."

"Thanks." It was Sweet Pea's turn to roll her eyes. "Well, whatever. Don't get caught."

"Never," Blondie told her. "I'll be back in the morning." She made a small flourish of her hand, before slipping out the door.

The door shut quietly, with a soft click, and Sweet Pea listened to the faint sound of Blondie padding across the hall and sneaking into Amber's room. With a sigh, she laid back and tried to fall back asleep, with little success. She kept thinking about being back home, the way her parents had looked at her with such shock and disgust, like Sweet Pea had just told them she'd killed someone. They'd probably have reacted better to something like that Sweet Pea thought, feeling a bitter mix of anger and sadness wash over her.

It wasn't fair; she hadn't done anything wrong. It was all a big misunderstanding. She tried to console herself with the thought that eventually everyone would realize that she wasn't the big lesbian they thought she was. Gorski would send her back home, her parents would love her again, and everything would go back to normal. It had to.

She didn't want to think about it, but she did; she pictured Blondie climbing into bed with Amber, wrapping her arms around Amber's waist and curling up against her. Sweet Pea couldn't imagine what that would be like, putting her arms around another girl, pressing a kiss to her skin. The memory of Rocket's lips against hers, for that brief moment, floated to the forefront of her mind. She put her hand up to her mouth.

She knew she shouldn't be thinking about these kinds of things, straight or not. But it seemed like the more she tried to think about anything else, the more vivid the memory of the kiss grew in her mind. Groaning, she rolled over, reaching for her iPod and clicking through to one of the playlists she liked to fall asleep to.

As the first song began to play, Sweet Pea closed her eyes, determined to fall asleep and forget about the whole reason she'd ended up here in the first place. Everything would be fine, she told herself -- she'd decided, after the embarrassing introductions that morning that she would just have to give in and play along. Everyone was convinced of her homosexuality; no matter who Sweet Pea had talked to that day, they'd all insisted that she couldn't get better until she stopped denying the truth to herself. It was maddening.

But playing along and acting like she was being reformed didn't sound so hard. And it was the only way she'd ever actually be able to get out of the place and be welcomed back into her family again -- and it was worth it, as far as Sweet Pea was concerned. So she had to pretend to be gay, she thought, turning onto her side. It was no big deal. She'd get through this, get out of here, and then everything would go back to normal.

She could hardly wait.

 

;;

 

It was a week later and they were sitting in a circle around in one of the classrooms, waiting for Gorski to start with their first lesson of the day, when a girl walked into the room. She had brilliantly blonde hair, the kind that was only possible to get with the help of a bottle of peroxide, and was wearing a navy and gray school uniform. She hovered near the doorway, looking about the room.

"Who's that?" Sweet Pea nudged Blondie, who was talking to Amber, pointing at the girl who had just walked into the room and was now talking to Dr. Gorski and another counselor whose name Sweet Pea didn't know.

"That's Marie," Blondie said. "She's Gorski's niece. Everyone calls her Babydoll; it's some stupid nickname that Blue came up with once, I don't get it." She rolled her eyes and continued, "She goes to Catholic boarding school and comes here to work as a counselor during the summer."

"She's like, a model of heterosexuality," Amber chimed in, leaning across the Blondie, her eyes flitting back and forth between Sweet Pea and Babydoll. "Gorski's always holding her up as some sort of example to the rest of us."

Sweet Pea watched Babydoll talking to Dr. Gorski, laughing at something. Babydoll turned and looked over at her and their eyes met; Babydoll smiled at her and Sweet Pea quickly looked away, suddenly feeling self-conscious.

"Oh," she said, glancing back over at Babydoll, who had turned to talk to the counselor beside Gorski. "She seems nice." She wasn't entirely sure why she said it. After all, she didn't know a thing about Babydoll. Still, her smile had seemed genuine enough and Sweet Pea's heart had seemed to skip a beat when they'd locked eyes.

"I guess." Blondie sounded bored. "She doesn't really talk much." She turned back to Amber.

Sweet Pea shrugged. "Well, I don't know," she said quietly, watching as Babydoll nodded at her aunt, slipping away out the door as quickly as she'd arrived.

 

;;

 

Sweet Pea spotted Babydoll again that afternoon, during their free time. Babydoll was sitting on the front steps of their dormitory, listening to her iPod. She'd changed into a different outfit and was now wearing a pair of worn out looking jeans and a tank top. Her hair had been pulled into two pigtails; draped over her shoulders, they spilled down in bright, gentle curls.

"Hey." Sweet Pea said, sitting down next to her. Babydoll turned, tugging out her earphones. "It's Babydoll, right? I'm Sweet Pea. I don't think we've met.

Babydoll grinned, shaking her hand. "I must be more famous than I thought, if you already knew my name."

"Only here," Sweet Pea told her. "Though I'm not sure if you should consider that a good or bad thing."

"I'm not sure either." Babydoll laughed. "But nice to meet you."

"Same," Sweet Pea agreed with a smile. "Though it'd be a lot nicer if we were meeting under different circumstances." She cringed the second she said it; what if Babydoll took it the wrong way? She was Dr. Gorski's niece, after all. "Sorry," Sweet Pea amended quickly, blushing a little. "I just mean, this isn't really someplace you'd expect to meet people, is it?"

Babydoll laughed. "No, you're right." Her phone chirped a second later; she picked it up from where she'd put in on the step beside her, scrolling through and looking at her new message. "Sorry," she said, tucking her phone into her pocket and standing up. "I've got to go. Looks like I've got to go through my own orientation," she explained, wrapping her headphones around her iPod. "And here I thought being a counselor made me exempt from that kind of thing."

"It's okay," Sweet Pea said, standing up as well. "Maybe I'll see you around?"

"Definitely. We can hang out tonight, if you want. I'll be free then. Usually I like to sit by the lake and watch the sunset."

Sweet Pea smiled. "It sounds nice. I'll meet you there after our evening class."

"Cool," Babydoll said, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear as she turned to go."It's a date then."

 

;;

 

True to her word, Babydoll was down by the lake when Sweet Pea went to meet her that evening after class had gotten out. It had been some boring lecture on the role of women in the family unit, during which Sweet Pea and Blondie had sat in the back row playing hangman. Sweet Pea knew she should be trying harder, but the truth was, she didn't really see the point in any of this. Being straight, she knew she'd pass with flying colors regardless of whatever stupid lessons they were forced to sit through.

"Hey," Babydoll said, waving Sweet Pea over. She jumped down off the rock she'd been sitting on. "You made it."

"Just barely," Sweet Pea told her. "I thought that last lecturer was going to literally bore me to death."

Babydoll snorted. "Come on, I know they're bad, but they're not that bad." She put her hands in the pocket of her sweatshirt, which had the words Brattleboro Prep written across the front in bold, crimson letters. "Trust me, it could be so much worse."

"I don't doubt that, actually."

"So," Babydoll said, as they walked around the lake. "Are you still in high school?"

Sweet Pea shook her head. "I just graduated in June, actually."

"Nice. Are you going to college in the fall?"

"I considered it," Sweet Pea said, kicking at the sand and sending a couple of small rocks flying into the water. "But I thought maybe it would be fun to take a year off, you know, do some traveling, and then apply for colleges. My parents were actually really excited about it too. They were helping me plan and everything -- until they forced me to go here, instead," she added, frowning.

Babydoll made a sympathetic sound. "Well, that sucks."

"Yeah, tell me about it."

"I've still got another year of high school, unfortunately," Babydoll said, a few minutes. "I'm really looking forward to going to college though. I want to go somewhere as far away from here as possible."

Sweet Pea looked at her. "What, don't you like it here?"

"Do you?" Babydoll asked, sounding genuinely surprised.

Sweet Pea had never really thought about it before. She'd spent her whole life living in Brattleboro, Vermont, and while her family had traveled to lots of places over the years, Sweet Pea just couldn't imagine living anywhere else. She'd always figured that when all was said and done, Brattleboro was home, and that's what it would always be. It seemed weird to her now that she'd never considered an alternative, and she felt herself blush.

"It's okay, I guess. I mean, I don't mind it."

"Well, I want to get out," Babydoll said, as they paused by the saddle fence that stood on the perimeter of the camp grounds. She hoisted herself onto the top railing, sitting down. "I'll go crazy if I have to stay here forever, I swear." She looked over at Sweet Pea, grinning. "Can I come with you, once you get out of here? We can go traveling together."

Sweet Pea laughed, leaning against the fence and gazing out towards the recreation fields, where the sun had slowly begun to set behind the hills. "Yeah, sure," she said, smiling up at Babydoll. "No problem."

 

;;

 

Passing each other in the hallway, Babydoll stopped and said, "Hey. I had fun hanging out with you last night. You want to do it again some time?" Which sounded like a much better alternative than tagging along with Blondie and the others to sneak cigarettes and gossip or spending every evening reading with Amber in the dormitory lounge.

"Sure," Sweet Pea told her. "I'd love to."

"Great." Babydoll touched Sweet Pea's wrist, her fingers lingering just a bit too long. "I'll see you around until then."

 

;;

 

"So," Blondie started at lunch, a few weeks after camp had started. Blondie never ate lunch with Amber, only with Sweet Pea or some of the other girls. She said that if it looked like she and Amber weren't close, Gorski would be less likely to expect that something was going on between them. It was a trick she'd learned from an older girl during her first year at Camp Lennox. She stabbed a carrot with her fork. "What's up with you and Babydoll?"

"What?" Sweet Pea looked up from the book she was reading, one of the ones that had been approved by Gorski. "Nothing's up," she told Blondie, even as her eyes slid across the room and settled on Babydoll, who was eating lunch at the head table with the other counselors. Babydoll met her eyes and smiled. "We just get along, that's all. Why?"

Blondie shrugged. "All the times I've been here, I've never seen her hanging out with of the campers. She usually just spends times with the other counselors." She set down her fork, reaching for her can of Diet Coke. "It just seems weird that you're like, friends."

"I don't know." Sweet Pea picked at her salad. "She's nice. You should try to get to know her; you'd probably like her too."

"Um, no thanks," Blondie said. Sweet Pea saw her glance over at Amber. "I'm not really interested in making new friends. Besides," she chirped, with false cheeriness. "I wouldn't want to spoil your fun heterosexual time, would I?"

Sweet Pea rolled her eyes and ignored her.

 

;;

 

Rocket said, "Tell me -- what's Hell like?"

They were allowed calls only once, at the end of the month; Gorski said communications with the outside world were distractions, and she'd taken away their cellphones and computers from them all on the first day they'd arrived at Camp Lennox. The only phone they were allowed to use was in her office, and it was an old, faded yellow one that looked like it came from the sixties. Most of the girls called their parents, to reassure them that they were on track to becoming heterosexuals.

Sweet Pea, however, decided to call her sister. She was still hurt by the things her parents had said to her before they'd shipped her off here, and the last thing she wanted to do was talk to them. If they were interested in her progress, they could call Gorski and ask her themselves. Sweet Pea wasn't about to give her parents the satisfaction of begging them to love her again, especially when she'd done absolutely nothing wrong in the first place.

Rocket had picked up on the second ring, and Sweet Pea hadn't realized how much she'd been missing her until she heard Rocket's voice. They'd always been so close, despite being step-sisters; as kids, they'd done everything together, had told each other all of their secrets. Sweet Pea had watched out for Rocket, had been happy to play the role of the protective older sister. It felt strange now to be without her sister by her side. It made her lonely.

"It's terrible here," Sweet Pea told Rocket, sitting down in the stuffy chair beside the phone. "And I'm still mad at you, by the way."

"For what?"

"This is all your fault," Sweet Pea snapped. "If you hadn't had that stupid idea about kissing practice, I'd have never even got sent here in the first place. And you didn't even back me up in front of mom and dad!" she added, remembering how Rocket had stayed quiet the whole time her parents had been going off on her about being gay. "So, thanks. Now everyone thinks I'm this raging homo."

There was a long pause, then Rocket mumbled a sorry. "But, come on, Sweet Pea," she said, "you know it wouldn't have made a difference even if I had tried to back you up."

Sweet Pea wasn't so sure of that, but there wasn't really any point in arguing about it now, she realized. She was stuck here no matter what. "Whatever," she sighed, twisting the telephone cord around her fingers. "It sucks being here."

"Well, it's already been a month," Rocket told her, in an annoyingly cheerful voice. She snapped her gum on the other end of the line. "You're a third of the way done. And mom and dad are really looking forward to having you come home again."

"Yeah, right." Sweet Pea snorted. "They only want me back if I conform to their standards."

"Fine, well, I want you back then," Rocket said, in a patently calm voice. Sweet Pea could almost hear her rolling her eyes. "I don't give a fuck about who you like either way, but, you're straight so, what's the big deal? It's not like you're being forced to be someone you're not."

Which, really, wasn't the point at all.

 

;;

 

A few weeks in and Sweet Pea had worked out a routine for herself. Every day she woke up, went to morning classes, ate lunch with Blondie (or Amber or one of the other girls, depending), and then spent her afternoon free time in the lounge with Amber, reading. Amber had given her a copy of Hotel World to re-read and Sweet Pea was slowly working her way through it.

Her evening free time, though, was spent with Babydoll. They usually only saw each other once or twice during the day ("I mostly just run errands for the other counselors," Babydoll had lamented to Sweet Pea), and Babydoll ate all her meals with the counselors at the head table in the dining hall.

"I can't wait to get out of here," Sweet Pea sighed, lying back on the grass and folding her arms behind her head. "I really fucking hate this place. It'll be so nice to go back home and have things return to normal."

Babydoll sat up, taking down her hair for a moment to re-do her ponytail. "What do you mean?"

Sweet Pea shrugged. "I don't know. I mean, my parents didn't believe me when I told them I was straight, which is why they sent me here in the first place. But once I complete this stupid program, they'll finally come to their senses."

"I thought you were gay, though," Babydoll said slowly, sounding confused. "Isn't that why you're here?"

"But I'm not gay," Sweet Pea told her, sitting up as well. "I'm really not."

"You don't have to do that," Babydoll said. "You don't have to lie to me. I don't care."

Sweet Pea frowned, running a hand through her hair. "No, really. I am straight. My parents just think that -- whatever," she said, cutting herself off with a dismissive wave of her hand. "It doesn't matter. Come September, I'll be decidedly straight again, and everyone will know it."

Babydoll looked disappointed in her. "Wow, you really hate yourself, don't you?"

"I'm not gay," Sweet Pea insisted, pushing herself up onto her feet. "I told you that I'm not. I'm not lying about it."

"Okay, okay" Babydoll said quickly, in a gentle tone, putting up her hands. "You're not. But if you were -- I mean, if you did like girls -- it wouldn't be a bad thing. I'm not my aunt, you know. I don't really care what you are."

Sweet Pea glanced over at her. "Why not?"

"What?"

"Why don't you care? The whole reason any of us are at this place is because people do care," Sweet Pea told her, annoyed. "They all want us to be people that we're not. I mean, they want me to admit I'm gay just so they can tell me that it's wrong and then make me straight again. But now you're sitting here telling me it's suddenly okay for me to be gay -- if I was -- instead of telling me I should be glad that I'm straight and don't have anything to worry about."

Babydoll frowned, staring off into the distance. "I'm not my aunt, you know," she said in a defensive tone. "I'm here because my parents expect me to be here. Because the volunteer work looks good for colleges. But I don't -- there isn't anything wrong with being gay. I don't think so, anyway."

Sweet Pea rested against the large rock they usually met by, unsure of what to say. Babydoll had surprised her. "Sorry," she managed at last. "I didn't mean to -- I thought you'd be just like Gorski, honestly. Everyone said that you were a typical goody two shoes Catholic girl. I didn't think you'd be so . . . I don't know. Accepting." She shoved her hands into the pockets of her hoodie.

"Well," Babydoll said after a moment, pulling her knees up to her chest. "I guess maybe we're both not the people we're expected to be."

 

;;

 

"Now Charlotte," Sweet Pea's stepfather said, slowly, as if he was talking to a child. "It's not that we don't love you, but we do need to be clear about something. Your mother and I know that you're making excellent progress here and we're very proud about that. But Gorski has told us that some times girls can go astray as they get further and further into the program, and, well, in your case that would just be unacceptable."

"Um," Sweet Pea said, confused. "What are you talking about?"

Her stepfather sighed, folding his hands in his lap and exchanging a look with Sweet Pea's mother that Sweet Pea couldn't read. Parental visits were allowed on July fourth weekend, to celebrate the holiday, and though Sweet Pea had been hoping that her parents wouldn't show up, they had, at nine o'clock sharp to meet with Dr. Gorski.

Who, apparently, had given them the idea that Sweet Pea was in danger of backsliding (it was a good word, she'd learned it in Sunday school class) and failing out of Camp Lennox and ending up as some kind of homeless lesbian with tattoos and piercings and a mullet. Or so Sweet Pea thought, anyway, judging by the way her stepfather was frowning at her and her mother was clutching her handbag.

"You don't need to worry about me," Sweet Pea assured them, reaching out and giving her mother's hand a squeeze. "I'm doing really well. And I'm really, really excited about getting normal again and coming home. I miss you guys," she tacked on after a moment, trying to sound as cheerful as possible.

Her mother offered a weak smile. "We're really happy to hear that, Sweet Pea."

"But," her father said, starting up again and sounding a bit cross. "You should know that if you were to fail out of the program here at Camp Lennox, then that's that. You'll just have to find somewhere else to live, because you won't be welcome back home."

Sweet Pea's smile faded somewhat. "I don't understand. You mean, you'd kick me out?"

"We can't have you corrupting Rocket," her father said.

"But don't you worry about that," her mother chimed in quickly. "We know how hard you're working and we know you won't let us down. We're not telling this to you to scare you -- it's more like, we just want to encourage you to keep up the good work."

"Thanks?" Sweet Pea tried, surprised and a little hurt. It wasn't like she was afraid of failing the program, but she was dismayed that her parents had such potential for cruelty in them. She knew her parents could be strict and that being gay was absolutely not okay with them, not even a little, but kicking her out seemed like such a harsh penalty.

Still, if she wasn't determined to graduate successfully from Camp Lennox before, she certainly was now.

As her parents were leaving, Sweet Pea leaned down and gave her mother a kiss on the cheek. "Don't worry," she murmured, wrapping her arms around her mother, who hugged her back tentatively. "I'm going to be normal again, you'll see. And then we can be happy again."

Her mother gave her a smile; for the first time today, it actually looked genuine. "I know you won't let me down, Sweet Pea," she said, kissing her cheek.

 

;;

 

"So," Sweet Pea said. "What about you?"

"What about me?" Babydoll raised an eyebrow.

They were lying in the grass under one of the big trees by the lake during the afternoon's free period. Usually Babydoll was busy helping the other counselors during this time and Sweet Pea spent the hour reading with Amber, but today Babydoll hadn't had any work to do and it had looked too nice out to stay inside all day.

Sweet Pea made a non-committal sound, shrugging. "I don't know. Tell me something about yourself."

Babydoll shrugged and smiled at her. "There's not much to tell. I'm not really all that interesting."

Sweet Pea nudged a rock out of the dirt with the toe of her sneaker. Bending down to pick it up, she threw it towards the lake; it skimmed across the water for a few brief moments before dropping down to the bottom. "Well," she said, after a moment, "do you have a boyfriend?"

"Yeah," Babydoll shifted on the rock, resting back on her hands. "We've been going out for a year now. But my parents hate him because he's older than me. There's only a two year age difference between us, but my parents are kind of strict about that kind of thing. I guess they think he's trying to take advantage of me or something. Anyway, he's going to college in Boston -- pre-med. He's always wanted to be a doctor."

"It sounds nice." Sweet Pea toed another rock in the sand, which refused to budge.

Babydoll made a sound of agreement. "Yeah, it's okay I guess." There was a pause and then she asked, "Have you ever had a boyfriend?"

Sweet Pea didn't answer right away; she'd seen this question coming, but she wasn't quite sure how to answer it. Her parents had used the fact that she hadn't had a boyfriend in high school against her. It wasn't like she hadn't ever been interested in boys, because she had, but she'd just never really found a boy who had made her feel all the things she thought she was supposed to feel. It didn't mean she was gay.

She turned to Babydoll, rubbing her arms as a cool summer breeze drifted across the water. "Once. I was kind of young at the time -- it was in middle school. Not since then though. Everyone says it's because I'm too serious. It's not like I've never wanted one, but I don't . . . I don't know." She shrugged.

Babydoll nodded. "I get that."

"Well, you're probably the only person who does," Sweet Pea told her with a sigh, climbing up on the rock to sit next to Babydoll.

Babydoll shrugged. "It's cold out tonight, isn't it?" she asked, tugging her hands inside the sleeves of her over-sized sweatshirt and leaning over to put her head on Sweet Pea's shoulder. When Sweet Pea turned her head, she could feel the faint brush of Babydoll's hair against her cheek.

"You shouldn't do that," she said quietly. Babydoll looked up at her. "I don't mind it, I mean. But if any of the counselors see us together, they might get the wrong idea. As much as I hate this place, I still don't want Gorski to kick me out either." She bit her lip, glancing away.

"It's okay," Babydoll said. She shifted a little, linking arms with Sweet Pea. "There's no one around. If my aunt finds out, I'll just tell her that I was teaching you what it's like to have a close, normal, friendship with a girl, that's all. Besides, you're straight anyway, so no big deal, right?"

Sweet Pea flashed her a bright smile. "Yeah. Right."

But it still made her uncomfortable, for reasons she couldn't quite understand. It wasn't about getting caught -- Sweet Pea believed Babydoll when she said she could talk them out of a mess with Dr. Gorski. There was something about the physical closeness between them: the slight brush of hair against her cheek, the warmth of Babydoll's body against hers, the way she couldn't keep her fingers from reaching out and stroking Babydoll's arm through her sleeve. Sweet Pea had never had a lot of friends, but she'd never been bothered before when her friends had put their heads on her shoulders or linked their arms together or even threaded their fingers together. It was only now, sitting here with Babydoll, that she felt so strange.

It had to be because of the circumstances, Sweet Pea told herself. It was really the only explanation.

The only one she could live with, anyway.

 

;;

 

A week later, they all snuck out to go to a club a few towns over. It had been Blondie's idea; she'd suggested it one afternoon when they were all sitting around outside by the lake and their free time was winding down. It was something she and Amber had done last year, and she was eager to do it again. The only problem, though, was that they needed a ride -- last year they'd been able to hitch a ride with one of Blondie's friends, but now they weren't so lucky.

And then Blondie had turned to Sweet Pea and said, "Hey, why don't you ask your girlfriend to drive us? She's got a car. And it's big enough to fit us all in it."

Sweet Pea blushed violently. "She's not my girlfriend," she told Blondie. She didn't know why it embarrassed her so much to have Blondie tease her like that -- which only served to make her feel worse. "She's straight, remember? And so am I, by the way. And I don't think going to a club sounds very fun. What if we get caught? I can't get kicked out of here."

Blondie rolled her eyes. "You're such a loser. Come on, we all know you and Babydoll are like, best friends," she said, in a mocking tone that just made Sweet Pea blush even more. "I'm sure she'd be happy to help. Besides, she's probably dying for a chance to get away from here for a while."

"Well," Sweet Pea said slowly, pulling out little tufts of grass. "I guess I could ask."

Babydoll, of course, happily agreed to help.

"Really?" Sweet Pea asked, gaping at her. "You're seriously okay with it?"

Babydoll shrugged. "Yeah, why not? It'll be fun."

So after lights out that evening and once the counselors had done a final sweep of the dorm, Sweet Pea had crawled out of bed and gotten dressed, following Blondie to the bathroom where the other girls were already doing their makeup. Babydoll was waiting for them outside, her car idling just outside the front gate. The others squeezed into the back seats, which left Sweet Pea in the front with Babydoll.

"You look good," Babydoll said, sizing her up, as Sweet Pea buckled her seatbelt. In the back, Blondie snorted, whispering something to Amber who caught Sweet Pea's eye in the side view mirror and grinned.

Sweet Pea looked away. "Yeah, thanks," she said absently, as Babydoll put the car in drive.

The club was two hours away; Sweet Pea spent most of those two hours staring at the window. She was worried about getting caught by Gorski. Blondie and Babydoll had both assured her that there was no way Gorski was going to find out, but the conversation Sweet Pea had had with her parents a week earlier was still ringing in her ears. She couldn't risk getting sent home; anxiety settled heavily in the pit of her stomach.

"Lighten up, Sweet Pea," April said, leaning forward between the seats and turning up the radio so that they could all sing along. "No girl's going to want to dance with you if you're scowling the whole evening."

"You didn't tell me we were going to a gay club," Sweet Pea hissed at Blondie, when they finally arrived, pulling into an empty parking space along the curb. A rainbow flag hung in the front door, and a neon scene proudly declared the name of the club: Cocksucker, which Sweet Pea thought was perhaps the least subtle thing in the world.

"Where the hell else would we have gone?" Blondie asked, rolling her eyes. "I mean, honestly, you're not very good at this whole lesbian thing are you?"

Sweet Pea glared at her. "For the last time, I'm not a lesbian," she said, but Blondie ignored her, jumping ahead to link arms with Amber, who grinned and pressed a quick kiss to the side of her head. Sweet Pea looked over at Babydoll, who was busy handing out fake IDs to everyone -- everyone except Blondie, who had her own (unsurprisingly) and Sweet Pea, who didn't need one, as she'd just turned eighteen a few months prior.

They presented their IDs to an older man at the front desk, who eyed them all suspiciously but drew big xs on the back of their hands with a permanent marker anyway and and let them in. Most of the girls wandered away as soon as they were inside, but Sweet Pea hung back, sticking with Blondie, Amber, and Babydoll, who sat down at an empty table a dozen feet away from the dance floor.

"Here," Blondie said, nearly prancing back from the bar a few minutes and passing them each a beer. "First drink's on me. Don't have too much though," she warned Babydoll, as she slipped down into the empty seat beside Amber. "Sad as it may be, we do need to be able to get back to camp at the end of the evening. Preferably in one piece."

Babydoll shook her head, grinning. "Don't worry, I'll be good."

One beer and a few shots later and Blondie had pulled Amber onto the dance floor in the middle of the club, grinding her hips against Amber who swayed, laughing. Sweet Pea watched them dance, Amber's hands settling on Blondie's hips as Blondie leaned up and back for a kiss. It felt strange, to watch them like this. Camp Lennox was like an entirely different world, compared to being here, at the club. At camp, Blondie and Amber were like strangers. Now, though, Sweet Pea could see just how really close they were. It seemed too intimate; Sweet Pea couldn't help but feel like she was intruding somehow. She turned her head away, studying the label on her beer bottle, the letters blurry around the edges.

"Aren't you going to dance?" Babydoll asked, resting her head against her hand.

"With who?"

Babydoll laughed. "There's lots of people to dance with," she said. "Who do you want to dance with?"

Sweet Pea suddenly felt the urge to say _you_ , but she quickly forced it back down. It would be weird, to say something like that. Especially here and now. Instead she just shrugged, tracing her finger around the sticky rim of one of their empty shot glasses. "I'm good like this," she told Babydoll, who was busy eying some boys a few feet away. "But you should go dance," Sweet Pea said. "If you want to."

"Yeah, okay." Babydoll grinned, sliding down off her chair, smoothing down the front of her skirt with her hands. She moved forward, putting her mouth close to Sweet Pea's ear so she didn't have to shout. "I'll be right back," she said. Her breath was hot against Sweet Pea's skin. "Don't have any fun without me." She pulled away and winked, before going over the boys were.

Everything was so easy for her, Sweet Pea thought, watching Babydoll as she laughed at something one of the guys had said, her hand lingering on his wrist. She wasn't awkward or shy. She didn't care about what people thought of her. Sweet Pea watched as Babydoll followed two of the guys out onto the dance floor. They flanked her on either side, all of them swaying in time to the heavy beat of the music, their hands on her hips. Babydoll was grinning, shouting something to the guys that Sweet Pea couldn't hear. They laughed.

And then one of them bent down and kissed her.

It was a brief, playful kind of kiss. It didn't mean anything, Sweet Pea knew. The guy laughed again as he pulled away, and Babydoll looked over and caught Sweet Pea's eye and smiled. Sweet Pea tried to smile back. But there was something in her; it felt like her insides were being twisted around a knife. It was a dull, aching kind of pain, one that started in her stomach and seemed to work its way up to her throat, making it close up. She felt the sudden urge to bolt, to just leave the club and run and run until her lungs were bursting.

She didn't want to be sitting here, watching Babydoll dance. It wasn't like she wanted to be the one with Babydoll, she just couldn't stand to see anyone else with her. Her stomach flip-flopped and she thought for one panicked moment that she was going to be sick. She stood up, gripping the edge of the table for support, her legs weak and threatening to give out on her. She needed to get outside, just for a minute. The night air would clear her head.

The coolness of the evening hit her like a physical punch, as she pushed open the back door and stepped outside. There was a bench alongside one of the club walls and she sighed as she sat down. Her head was spinning from the shots they'd done and the alcohol coupled with the heat of the club had made her tired. She put her head back against the wall and closed her eyes.

She wasn't sure how long she'd been sitting outside, when the back door opened.

"What're you doing outside?" Babydoll asked, hovering in the door way. The door swung closed behind her with a soft whump as she came over, sitting down beside Sweet Pea, clutching a new bottle of beer in one hand.

Sweet Pea shrugged. "I just needed some air."

"It is kind of hot in there," Babydoll agreed, leaning back against the wall and taking a few small sips of her drink. Sweet Pea found herself staring at the curve of Babydoll's neck and forced herself to look away, toying with the edge of her shirt.

They were quiet for a long moment. Sweet Pea could hear the heavy thumping of the bass from inside the club; she thought about going back inside and just trying to enjoy the evening. After all, she told herself, they'd come all this way and taken such a risk, that she might as well make the best of it. But the truth was, she didn't want to be here. She didn't want to dance with any of the guys like Babydoll had, and she didn't have an interest in any of the girls who had approached her. She wished she hadn't allowed Blondie to drag her to the club; she felt so out of place here.

"Why did you drive us out here tonight?" Sweet Pea asked, turning to look at Babydoll. "If Gorski were to find out, you'd get in so much trouble."

Babydoll laughed. "I'm not scared of my aunt."

"That makes one of us then," Sweet Pea admitted, grinning. "But honestly -- why?"

It was Babydoll's turn to shrug. She put her beer, barely touched, on the ground beside the bench. "I don't know. Because it seemed like it might be fun. It really sucks having to be at camp all summer. And, well," she added, after a moment, "I wanted to spend time with you."

Sweet Pea felt a blush rise to her cheeks. She looked away, staring at her hands. "Oh."

"I didn't mean like, you know," Babydoll said quickly. She laughed, but it sounded forced. "I didn't mean anything, um, by it. Just, you know, you're my friend."

Sweet Pea looked over at her and smiled. "You're pretty much the only reason I've been able to stand being out here so long, actually," she said. "When I came here, I thought I was going to be absolutely miserable. I _was_ miserable. Until you showed up. Honestly, I think you may just be the best friend I've ever had. I'm so glad I met you."

"Me too," Babydoll said softly, and suddenly Sweet Pea noticed how the physical distance between them seemed to have disappeared.

And then Babydoll kissed her.

Or, rather, they both leaned in at the same time and their lips met and Babydoll tasted like beer and smelled like Victoria's Secret perfume and Sweet Pea's stomach dropped out, like she'd just gone over the top of a roller coaster. She'd kissed boys before, of course, but this felt different -- it felt better, a trillion times better, and Sweet Pea couldn't help but sigh and push a little bit more into the kiss.

She didn't know what to do with her hands, they felt like foreign things to her; she let them settle lightly on Babydoll's hips, as Babydoll brought one of her own hands up and around, threading her fingers through Sweet Pea's hair. She made a small sound of pleasure, as Sweet Pea's thumbs brushed the space of bare skin where her shirt had ridden up.

Then, just as suddenly, they were pulling away.

"Oh." Sweet Pea said, very, very quietly. "I -- we shouldn't have done that."

Babydoll bit her lip and looked away. "No."

There was a long, heavy pause.

At last Sweet Pea said, in a soft voice, "I know I shouldn't, but . . ." she trailed off, not wanting to say the words out loud, afraid of what they meant, but needing to say them anyway. She reached forward and put her hand on top of Babydoll's, squeezing it. "I know I shouldn't want to," she tried again, feeling braver, "but I want to do it again."

"Oh," Babydoll murmured. "So do I."

And not even a second later she was crushing her lips against Sweet Pea's, knitting her fingers into the front of Sweet Pea's shirt and drawing her in even closer. Sweet Pea knew, even as one of her hands pressed against the small of Babydoll's back, that she shouldn't be doing this. She knew she shouldn't be doing this, that she should stop, but she didn't seem to be able to.

They kissed until they were breathless, and only when Sweet Pea's lungs were screaming for air, did she pull away, her hands still resting on Babydoll's hips. "Wow," she breathed.

Babydoll gave her a small smile. Her face was pleasantly flushed; it ran across her cheeks and down the length of her neck and lower, still, and it made Sweet Pea's heart race just to think about kissing the place just below the top of Babydoll's shirt. She leaned in and rested her forehead against Sweet Pea's, her hand going up to brush the hair away from Sweet Pea's eyes.

"Do you want to go inside?" Babydoll asked, after a time.

"In a little while," Sweet Pea told her, pulling back a little to press a kiss to the bridge of Babydoll's nose. Babydoll's thumb stroked across Sweet Pea's face; it felt like a flame against her, the way Babydoll's touch seemed to burn her skin.

It was a nice kind of burn though, Sweet Pea decided.

She brought her hands up, cupping Babydoll's face in her hands. She kissed her once, twice. Light, chaste kisses. "In a little while."

 

;;  
  
  
On the drive home, their hands met in the space between the seats.  
  
"Goodnight," Babydoll murmured to Sweet Pea, who leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the side of Babydoll's mouth, before jumping out of the car and running to catch up with the others.   
  
It wasn't until later, when she was lying in bed and listening to sound of Blondie's shallow breathing, that she realized what it all meant.  
  
  
;;  
  
  
Shit.   
  
 _Shit._  
  
She  _was_  gay. Like totally, undeniably gay. How could this have happened? She'd never realized it until now, not until the moment when Babydoll had kissed her. When Babydoll had kissed her, it'd felt like there were tiny fireworks going off in her stomach. Her heart had raced like she'd just run a marathon. She couldn't stop thinking about the kiss even now, lying in bed. It was as if the world had suddenly opened itself anew to her and now she was seeing everything for the first time.  _Really_  seeing it, not like before. How had she not seen it until now? She'd spent so much time denying being gay, she'd never really given much thought to the fact that it could ever actually be  _true_.  
  
But it  _was_  true. It'd always been true, probably. Maybe it was why she'd never understood the appeal of all the guys Rocket had fawned over, why she'd felt so out of place when her friends had talked about boys, why when she  _had_  kissed boys, it'd always felt like something was wrong. Maybe it was why she'd been so desperate to prove to everyone just how straight she really was.   
  
Everyone must have seen it. Sweet Pea flushed in embarrassment, thinking about it now. Her parents had seen it, that's why they'd sent her away. Blondie, Amber, Babydoll, Gorski and the counselors, they'd seen it too. And now Sweet Pea saw it too, who she really was. The truth. She was gay and she was in love with Babydoll. Babydoll, Dr. Gorski's  _niece_ , of all people. How had this happened? She'd been working so hard to scrub away any lingering doubt of her heterosexuality in the minds of Gorski and everyone else, and now she was faced with this.   
  
She had no idea what would happen with her and Babydoll now. The kiss ( _kisses_ , plural, she reminded herself) they'd shared had been magical, but it had been fueled by the rush of excitement from sneaking out and intoxication. Surely tomorrow morning, she reasoned, they'd talk about what happened and come to the conclusion that it was meaningless. They  _had_  to.  
  
Babydoll was the poster child for heterosexuality after all; Amber had said it herself. Even if -- and she hated to think about it, but it was the truth, she knew -- she did have a bit of a crush on Babydoll, there was no point in pursuing it. Babydoll was straight. And she had a boyfriend.  _And_  she was Dr. Gorski's niece. There was a million reasons why Sweet Pea knew that this was terribly fucked up -- not to mention the fact that, up until last night, she had been so decidedly sure of her own sexuality.  
  
And yet, despite everything, there was a part of her -- a very, very strong part -- that hoped dearly that it wasn't just a drunken mistake. That Babydoll did actually care for her, that her heart raced when she saw Sweet Pea, that she found herself thinking about Sweet Pea even when she didn't mean to. As much as it scared Sweet Pea to admit to herself that she hadn't been so straight all along, it scared her even more to think about Babydoll rejecting her. She wasn't sure if she'd be able to stand something like that.  
  
"So," she said, the next evening, when she and Babydoll were sitting on the fence near the recreation fields. "About last night."  
  
Babydoll picked at little splinter of wood. "What about it?"  
  
Sweet Pea paused. "I guess, um, I'm wondering what it meant," she said slowly and uncertainly.   
  
"What do you think it meant?"  
  
Sweet Pea looked up, expecting Babydoll to reject her a minute later, to tell her she was being stupid, but all Babydoll did was grin at her. Sweet Pea wasn't entirely sure how to react to something like that. "I don't know what it meant," she told Babydoll, her stomach twisting into knots. "I mean, I thought maybe that it was just like, some drunken thing, like, experimenting or whatever. But I wasn't really drunk. And neither were you. And now I think -- well, I  _thought_ , anyway, that maybe it did actually mean something. Like, something really important. Like, you know, -- "  
  
Babydoll leaned forward and kissed her. "You talk entirely too much," she said with a laugh, as she pulled away. "You think way too much, too."  
  
Sweet Pea felt warm all the way down to her toes. "So, that's a yes? Like, yes, it did mean something and yes, definitely, you're glad it did? Yes, you're okay with it?"  
  
"Yes, yes, yes, yes," Babydoll told her, smiling broadly, and leaning in for another kiss.  
  
  
;;  
  
  
"Why?" Sweet Pea asked, later, as Babydoll rested her head on her shoulder, their pinkie fingers hooked together.   
  
"'Why?'" Babydoll repeated, sounding amused. "That's an awfully big question, don't you think?"  
  
"Well, why  _me_ ," Sweet Pea clarified, turning her head slightly to press a kiss to Babydoll's temple through her hair. "Why  _us_? I mean, for the past eighteen years, I've never so much as even thought about another girl in a romantic sort of way. Or at least, I didn't think so. Now, I mean, I'm not sure, but you,  _you're_  definitely straight, aren't you? So I'm kind of wondering, you know,  _why_. Why this happened."  
  
Babydoll leaned up and pressed her lips against Sweet Pea's. "It's more of a 'how,' don't you think?" she smiled coyly. "But I know what you're asking. And the truth is, I just don't know. Just  _because_ , I guess. I don't know how else to answer a question like  _why_."  
  
Sweet Pea frowned. "That's not really an answer at all."  
  
"Well," Babydoll said, sitting up. "It's kind of like, when I first saw you, I already knew that I wanted to get to know you. It was just a  _feeling_ , just something I knew innately. And after a while, I started to realize that, oh, it wasn't about wanting just to  _know_  you. I didn't just want to be your friend." She bit her lip, twisting a strand of hair around her finger. "I didn't really think about it, at the time, you know, what it meant."  
  
"I didn't either. Not until last night."  
  
"So," Babydoll said slowly, as Sweet Pea reached for her hand, threading their fingers together. "Does this mean you're like, gay?"  
  
Sweet Pea bit her lip. "I think, maybe, yes. No, not maybe yes.  _Definitely_  yes. But it's not that easy. I mean, what's going to happen at the end of the summer when I have to go home? I spent so long not realizing who I really was. I don't want to have to change now."  
  
Babydoll kissed her. "So don't. You don't think most of those girls in there," she nodded in the direction of the dorm, "actually really want to be heterosexual, do you? Or that they actually change because they come here? I mean, look at girls like Blondie," she said, laughing. "You don't have to force yourself to be someone you're not in order to be happy."  
  
"It won't be easy though," Sweet Pea sighed. "I mean --"  
  
Babydoll shushed her, putting a hand across Sweet Pea's mouth, grinning. "Let's just not talk about it right now, okay?" With her other hand, she traced small circles along Sweet Pea's thigh, inching dangerously up and in.  
  
"Alright, alright," Sweet Pea acquiesced with a soft smile, and let Babydoll kiss her again.  
  
  
;;  
  
  
A month before the end of camp, Blondie and Amber got caught.  
  
It was bound to happen, really, and Sweet Pea was surprised that it had taken as long as it did. As the summer had worn on, Blondie and Amber had gotten careless and sloppy. They tried less and less to hide their relationship, sitting together in all of their classes, whispering and giggling when they were supposed to be watching a movie. It was all little things here and there, but it added up to a lot, and Sweet Pea couldn't say that it came as a shock when she awoke one night to find Gorski shouting at Blondie to pack her things and get out.  
  
"Well, so much for that," Blondie said to Sweet Pea, shrugging her shoulders before turning to her dresser and dumping all of her clothes onto her bed.   
  
"Where are you going to go?" Sweet Pea asked, wide awake now. She glanced at the clock on her bedroom table: it was only a quarter past six o'clock. Soon, girls would be getting up and going through their morning routine in preparation for breakfast and then classes.  
  
Blondie shrugged again. "Amber and I will think of something."  
  
She didn't sound particularly concerned, which surprised Sweet Pea most of all. She knew that if she was in their situation right now, she'd be panicking. Then again, Amber was clever; it wouldn't really be all that great a stretch to consider that maybe they'd already come up with a course of action if they were to get caught.  
  
"Don't worry," Blondie said, catching the look on Sweet Pea's face. "We're going to be just fine."  
  
Sweet Pea watched her pack her things, listening to the sound of other girls' alarm clocks going off as they neared closer to seven o'clock. "Well, leave me your phone number or email or whatever," Sweet Pea told her, as Blondie shoved what was left of her belongings into her messenger bag.   
  
"You ready?" Amber asked, from the doorway. She glanced across the room at Sweet Pea, giving her a sympathetic look. "I feel sorry for you," she said. "Really, I do. I'd hate to be stuck here. I'm actually really glad to be getting out."  
  
  
;;  
  
  
"I can't believe they got kicked out," Sweet Pea said. She had her head in Babydoll's lap; Babydoll was gently combing her fingers through Sweet Pea's hair, pausing every now and then to bend down and press a kiss to Sweet Pea's forehead.  
  
"They were careless," Babydoll told her. She looked down at Sweet Pea and smiled, one hand working its way across Sweet Pea's stomach, intertwining their fingers. "Don't worry, it won't happen to us."  
  
  
;;  
  
  
On the second to last week of camp, with graduation looming in the distance, Gorski announced that they would finally be meeting the boys in the program. They were going to have a dance, which, Gorski hoped, they would use to put into practice all of the things they'd been learning over the summer. As she began to list the rules and expectations of the upcoming dance, Sweet Pea tuned out.  
  
She didn't want to go to the stupid dance, much less pretend like she was interested in any of the boys. She was more interested in seeing what Babydoll would wear to an event like this; she found herself daydreaming about sneaking off with Babydoll during the dance, pressing her against the wall and sliding a hand up her dress.   
  
The only thing that dampened her spirits was the thought of what would happen after camp had finally ended. She didn't want to have to go back home to her parents, who expected her to go back to being the nice, heterosexual daughter they always wanted. She didn't want to go back home to Rocket, who would undoubtedly figure out exactly what had transpired over the summer -- she had a knack for seeing right through Sweet Pea and it was worrisome, thinking about how she might react to something like that.  
  
Even though she was still hiding who she really was right now, it didn't  _feel_  to Sweet Pea like she was hiding. Sure, when she and Babydoll were around the others, they had to pretend like they were strangers -- just like Blondie and Amber had done, originally -- but when they were together, Sweet Pea forgot about all the reasons they shouldn't work as a couple. She forgot about all the reasons they were so completely wrong together.   
  
She forgot about what people would say, if they knew. But she knew all that would change when the summer was over. She didn't know how to say that to Babydoll, though, that it made her nervous just to think about it. Sweet Pea really didn't want to spend her last remaining weeks with Babydoll worrying over something neither of them could change, but the worry crept in anyway, despite her best efforts.  
  
"I'm planning on wearing this nice summer dress I have," Babydoll told Sweet Pea, as they skipped rocks along the calm surface of the lake. "It's yellow and white checkered. But I can wear something else, if you'd like," she added, nudging a rock out of the dirt with the toe of her sneaker. "I kind of want us to be matching. I like the idea of us doing something that's both so public and so private all at once. It's thrilling to think about."  
  
Sweet Pea smiled, coming over and embracing Babydoll from behind. She put her head on Babydoll's shoulder. "Matching outfits? You're so lame -- even more so than me."  
  
Babydoll laughed and moved to spin around in Sweet Pea's arms when suddenly they were interrupted by the sound of someone clearing their throat. Sweet Pea jumped away from Babydoll as if she'd been burned, hastily stuffing her hands into her pockets and taking a few extra steps back.  
  
It was Blue.   
  
"Sorry to interrupt," he said, looking back and forth between them, his expression blank. He turned to Babydoll, "Your aunt wants you. I don't know what it's about."  
  
Babydoll nodded and headed back up towards camp, not even glancing over at Sweet Pea.  
  
Blue looked over at Sweet Pea. "It's getting late, don't you think?" he asked, pointedly checking his watch. "You should probably be getting back to your dorm." He smiled at her, but it wasn't a nice kind of smile. It put Sweet Pea on edge.  
  
"Yeah, you're right," she mumbled, brushing past him.  
  
She didn't dare look back, afraid to turn around and see him watching her. As she made her way back to the girls' dormitory, her heart pounded in her chest. Thankfully he hadn't seen them doing much except for playing around, and Sweet Pea reasoned that she could easily explain away everything that he might tell Gorski. Or so she hoped, anyway.  
  
  
;;  
  
  
"That was close," Babydoll whispered to her the next morning, as they stood in line at breakfast.  
  
Sweet Pea nodded, keeping her eyes fixed straight ahead. "We'll just have to be extra careful from now on."  
  
It terrified her, the idea of getting caught. There was no way her parents would take her back if she got kicked out for being with another girl. She had no idea what she would do or where she could go. At least Blondie and Amber had each other; if she and Babydoll were caught together, Sweet Pea would most decidedly be left to fend for herself, with no one else to lean on.  
  
"Let's just cool it until the dance," she told Babydoll in a low voice, as she reached for a container of orange juice. "Just to be safe."  
  
"Okay." Babydoll's fingers brushed against Sweet Pea's wrist.  
  
It was the slightest of touches; even now, Sweet Pea couldn’t understand how something so small, so minute, could make her feel things so enormous. Like love.  _Love_. It made her giddy just to think about it; she’d never loved anyone before. Not like this. She knew she shouldn’t feel this kind of love for a girl. She knew what Gorski would say. What her parents would say.   
  
Oddly enough, though, none of that seemed to matter anymore.  
  
  
;;  
  
  
They held the dance outside on the recreation fields, stringing lights along the trees and fence. Despite it being mid-August, the night air was pleasantly cool, and the summer breeze smelled like rain and freshly cut grass, which reminded Sweet Pea of all the summers when she and Rocket were younger and would spend hours playing together in the backyard.   
  
She missed Rocket dearly. The promise of seeing Rocket again was the only thing she wasn’t dreading as the summer was slowly winding down to the close. She wished that her sister could meet Babydoll, that she could actually introduce Babydoll to Rocket as her girlfriend. She thought maybe Rocket might be pretty cool about the whole  _gay_  thing. In her head, she’d gone over dozens and dozens of ways to come out to Rocket, but she was fairly certain that once she finally arrived home, she’d lose all her nerve.  
  
It’d be so much easier if Babydoll could be with her when she did it.  
  
"Hey, um, I’m C.J.," a boy said, appearing in front of Sweet Pea and startling her out of her thoughts. He held out his hand towards her expectantly, looking hopeful. "Do you want to dance?"  
  
Sweet Pea spotted Babydoll standing over by the refreshments table, talking to Blue and another boy, who looked a few year younger than her. "Yeah, sure, why not," Sweet Pea said with a shrug, taking his hand and allowing him to lead her towards the middle of the fields.  
  
They danced together through half a dozen songs, if only because C.J. was so adorably earnest about the whole thing, and Sweet Pea, being in a good mood, didn’t mind humoring him. She listened half-heartedly as he told her about what it had been like on the boys side of camp and all of the lectures they’d had to sit through.   
  
"Are you excited to be going back home?" C.J. asked, during dance number seven.   
  
"Yeah," Sweet Pea lied. "Obviously."  
  
It was going to be awful, going back home. When she’d first come to Camp Lennox, it had been the one thing she was looking forward the most about completing the program, but now it just filled her with dread thinking about it. Her parents were probably never going to trust her again -- or not for a long while, anyway -- and they were expecting her to come back as a fully de-gayed, normal heterosexual. Which wasn’t even close to being accurate.  
  
Babydoll caught Sweet Pea’s eye, cocking her head in the direction of the dormitory. She held up her open palm, which meant they’d meet in the bathroom in five minutes. Sweet Pea nodded; they’d worked this system out a few weeks prior, in order to be able to snatch a few precious moments of alone time together during the day. As Babydoll turned away, talking to a boy next to her, Sweet Pea tried to bring her focus back to C.J., who was still rambling on about how he couldn’t wait to put into practice all the things he’d learned over the summer.  
  
"Oh, yeah," Sweet Pea said, feigning interest. "Same here."  
  
She was able to duck away as the song ended and headed straight for the dormitory bathrooms, which she knew would be deserted, thankfully. She’d wanted to kiss Babydoll from the moment she’d seen her that evening, who looked beautiful in the soft glow of the moon and the lights that lined the perimeter of the fields. She had her hair done up in an elegant bow, her bangs swept to one side, and her lips painted a light pink color to match the blush on her cheeks.  
  
It was only a minute or two after Sweet Pea had arrived in the bathroom when Babydoll joined her, shutting the door behind her quietly and going over to where Sweet Pea was standing by the windows, watching the dance in the distance.  
  
"Hey," Sweet Pea said sweetly. Babydoll looked even better up close. "Having fun?"  
  
"No, but it looks like  _you_  are," Babydoll said, trying to appear serious and failing miserably. "It’s been one dance after another with you, hasn’t it? The boys just can’t seem to resist." She paused, the corners of her mouth twitching upwards. "If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were trying to make me jealous."  
  
"What? No. Never." Sweet Pea smirked.  
  
Babydoll grinned. "It’s not nice to tease," she admonished, threading their fingers together with both hands and standing up on tiptoe to kiss Sweet Pea. It was one of those slow, lazy, open-mouth kind of kisses that made Sweet Pea feel warm all over. Babydoll smiled into the kiss, squeezing Sweet Pea’s hands.  
  
"You know, I like seeing you jealous." Sweet Pea bumped their noses together. "It’s very endearing."  
  
"Oh, I see how it is," Babydoll laughed, closing her eyes and moving in for another kiss.  
  
And then the bathroom door banged open.  
  
They broke apart at the sound, but Sweet Pea knew as soon as she saw who was standing in the doorway that they were caught. It was Gorski, whose expression was a mixture of shock, anger, and something else that Sweet Pea couldn’t quite read. She dropped her hands to her sides and took another step back from Babydoll, who leaned back against the window, her hands gripping the sill.  
  
Dr. Gorski's mouth was set in a hard, thin line. "Pack your things," she said to Sweet Pea, in a dangerously low voice.  
  
Sweet Pea opened her mouth to protest."But -- "  
  
"I'm very disappointed in you, Charlotte," Gorski said, cutting her off. Her voice had an edge to it; she looked like she was a second away from grabbing Sweet Pea and physically tossing her out the front gate. "Out of all the girls here," she said, "I would have  _never_  expected this kind of behavior from you. And  _you_." She turned her gaze towards Babydoll, who had gone completely pale. "Don't think I won't be calling your parents. They're not going to be very pleased to learn what you've been up to this summer."  
  
"Aunt Vera," Babydoll started in a strained voice, and Sweet Pea could see she had tears in her eyes. "Please, just let me explain. It's not what -- "  
  
Dr. Gorski put a hand up, cutting her off. "Don't even try to get out of this," she told Babydoll, who seemed to pull back into herself, her shoulders slumping. "I know what I saw. I want you in my office first thing tomorrow morning. Charlotte," she went on, looking back over at Sweet Pea. "You have tonight to pack, but you won't be able to stay past tonight."  
  
Sweet Pea felt a tear trickle down her cheek. "Yeah, okay," she whispered, staring at the floor.  
  
"I will be calling your parents tonight to let them know that you've been kicked out and why," Gorski told her, in a steely voice; it made Sweet Pea flinch. "Seeing as how they've already made it clear that you're no longer welcome at home, I suggest you make other arrangements."   
  
With that, she turned and walked out. Sweet Pea listened to the  _click_  on her heels in the hallway, growing fainter and fainter. It seemed like a long, long time until she finally was able to move, straightening up and brushing the tears out of her eyes. Babydoll remained unmoving, however, slumped against the window sill for support, her head bowed.  
  
"Babe," Sweet Pea said softly. She put her hand on Babydoll's shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. "Are you going to be okay?"  
  
There was a long pause, and then Babydoll lifted her head, wiping away her tears. "Yeah, 'course," she said, in a cheerful tone that sounded horribly forced. She sniffed, licking at her lips. "Yeah, I'll be okay."  
  
Sweet Pea wasn't convinced. "Look, I'm sorry that -- "  
  
"I told you, it's fine," Babydoll said, sharply, shrugging off Sweet Pea's hand. Her face softened a second later, however, and she stood up on tiptoe to kiss Sweet Pea's cheek. "Really, it's okay. I mean, I should have expected that -- well, with what happened to Blondie and Amber already -- I guess -- I'll just have to explain everything to my aunt tomorrow, that's all," she managed at last. "I'll explain it and she won't call my parents and it'll be okay."  
  
"You're sure?"  
  
"Yeah, totally." Babydoll smiled, and it almost looked convincing. "What about you though?" she asked, after a minute, washing her face in the sink. She met Sweet Pea's eyes in the mirror. "If you can't go home, what are you going to do? Is there some place you can stay?"  
  
Sweet Pea shrugged. She still felt numb from everything that had just happened; her brain was only slowly beginning to process the fact that this was it. She'd been kicked out of Camp Lennox and kicked out of her house. She was probably never going to see her sister again, or her parents. She was _definitely_  not going to see Babydoll again, not after tonight.   
  
Finally she said, "I have Blondie's phone number. Maybe I can stay with her and Amber. Or whatever."  
  
Babydoll turned off the faucet, pausing at the sink. "I'm really sorry," she said in a quiet voice, before turning around and crossing the room to where Sweet Pea was. She gripped Sweet Pea's face in her wet hands, kissed her so hard that it scared Sweet Pea a little. "I wish it hadn't happened," Babydoll said, pulling away and putting her face against Sweet Pea's shoulder, as Sweet Pea's arms made their way around her waist. " _Us_ , I mean."  
  
"Well,  _I_  don't," Sweet Pea told her, kissing the top of Babydoll's head. "Not at all."  
  
Babydoll laughed. It was a sad, hopeless kind of laugh. "You're stronger than I am, then," she said. She kissed Sweet Pea again, softer this time. "You should probably go," she murmured, against Sweet Pea's lips. "You've got all your stuff to pack."  
  
  
;;  
  
  
She couldn't leave without seeing Babydoll one last time.  
  
She stayed up half the night replaying the scene of Gorski walking in on them over and over again in her mind while she packed, and more than once she had to stop and sit down because she started crying so hard that she couldn't breathe. It wasn't fair, how quickly everything had come undone. They'd worked so hard at keeping their relationship a secret -- which, in itself, had taken so much work just to get to in the first place.  
  
There was no getting out of it though; Sweet Pea knew Gorski would never reconsider letting her stay, first and foremost because Babydoll was her niece, and also, because Babydoll was straight. Or was  _supposed_  to be, anyway; it would ruin Gorski's reputation for sure, Sweet Pea thought bitterly . There was even less of a chance of Sweet Pea's parents taking her back either, especially since Sweet Pea had all but given a blood oath that she was going to pass the program with flying colors.   
  
Simply put: she was screwed.  
  
Still, she had to see Babydoll one last time, so five minutes to eight o'clock the next morning, she made her way over towards Gorski's office. It was a little house set apart from the bigger, plainer looking building that all the other counselors worked in, and the steps creaked as Sweet Pea made her way up the porch stairs.  
  
Gorski usually wasn't in her office until eight, so Sweet Pea had figured on being early, but as she neared the front door, she heard the sound of voices drifting out through the open window. One of the voices was unmistakably Dr. Gorski's, though it took Sweet Pea a few seconds longer to realize the second voice belonged to Babydoll. She crouched down by the window, trying to hear what they were talking about.  
  
"I  _told_  you," Babydoll was saying, "it wasn't what it looked like. I've been spending a lot of time with Charlotte, you know, to try and show her what it's like to have a  _normal_  friendship. I didn't know that she like, felt  _that way_." She spit the words out as if they were something dirty and disgusting. "So we were in the bathroom just talking and suddenly she grabbed me and . . . and -- "  
  
"And  _kissed_  you," Gorski finished, as Babydoll wavered off into silence.  
  
Babydoll agreed in a small voice. "Yeah. And that's all. Honestly. I was just about to push her off when you walked in. That's the truth Aunt Vera, I _swear_. Please don't call my parents. Now that Charlotte's leaving, it won't be an issue any longer."  
  
Sweet Pea stood up quickly, not wanting to hear any more. She just couldn't believe what Babydoll had been saying. It had to have been some kind of cruel joke, she tried to tell herself. Her whole body was shaking; she had to lean against the porch railing for support. She was angry and sad all at once, beyond hurt by what she had heard. How could Babydoll say all of those horrible things about her?  
  
She was heartbroken. And she felt like an idiot.   
  
Babydoll came out of Dr. Gorski's office a few moments later, letting the screen door bang shut behind her. She stopped when she saw Sweet Pea standing on the front porch. "Sweet Pea," she said slowly, looking sad and panicked. "I didn't -- I mean, you weren't supposed to hear that. I just -- "  
  
"That's not what happened, is it?" Sweet Pea asked in a hurt voice, gripping the railing so hard that her knuckles turned white."You  _know_  it's not what happened."  
  
Babydoll bit her lip, avoiding Sweet Pea's gaze. "I don't know," she said quietly.  
  
"Go on then, Marie," Sweet Pea said, "tell me, what  _is_  the truth? Was it your parents and aunt that you lied to? Or was it me?" She felt the sting of tears in her eyes and forced them back down, swallowing hard. "Because I thought that we felt the same way about each other. But I guess I was wrong."  
  
"It's not that simple." Babydoll said, turning on the stairs and taking a step towards her.  
  
Sweet Pea  _tch_ -ed, shaking her head. "You told them it was all my fault. I don't know how it could be any simpler than that."  
  
"Charlotte -- " Babydoll tried again, her voice wavering a little.  
  
"Just -- just stop." Sweet Pea took a step back, slowly balling her hands into fists. She dug her nails into her palm, imagining the little crescent moon shaped marks they'd leave behind on her skin. "You don't get to call me that," she told Babydoll. "Not anymore. You clearly aren't who I thought you were."  
  
Babydoll looked on the verge of tears."I am, though," she protested softly. "I haven't changed."  
  
"Really?" Sweet Pea snapped. "Weren't you the girl who told me I should just accept myself for who I was? That hiding or trying to change myself would never make me happy?"  
  
"And I meant it," Babydoll told her, taking another step forward. "I did. But it's not the same, Sweet Pea."  
  
"Wow," Sweet Pea said, more angry now than sad. "You really hate yourself, don't you?" Babydoll visibly flinched at that and it was all Sweet Pea needed to keep going, to keep pushing just a bit more."The girl I knew was brave. But you're just a coward. You're not like her at all."  
  
She didn't wait for Babydoll to respond, turning on her heel and heading back to the dorm to finish packing her things.   
  
  
;;  
  
  
She got Blondie on the third ring. "It's me," she said, shifting her cell phone to her other ear. "It's Sweet Pea. I need your help -- Gorski kicked me out of the camp."  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"Um." Sweet Pea  _really_  didn't want to talk about it, especially not so soon after her argument with Babydoll, but she knew that Blondie wouldn't let it rest until she knew everything there was to know. "Gorski walked in on me with another girl," she said quickly.  
  
"No. Fucking. Way." Blondie snapped her gum on the other end of the line. "Who was it?"  
  
"Just, you know," Sweet Pea mumbled, sitting down on her suitcase. "Babydoll."  
  
"I knew it. I  _knew_  it." Blondie said excitedly, shouting something to Amber that sounded very much like  _I told you so!_  "I  _knew_ Miss Perfect Heterosexual was too good to be true and that she totally had a thing for you. Amber kept telling me I was seeing something that wasn't there, but it was  _so obvious_."  
  
Sweet Pea mumbled a sarcastic  _thanks_ , which only made Blondie laugh.   
  
"So where's Babydoll now?" she asked.  
  
"She's still at camp," Sweet Pea said, feeling a new wave of sadness rush over, remembering the look on Babydoll's face when Sweet Pea had thrown her words back at her. "Look, I don't want to talk about it right now," she hurried on, standing back up. "Are you nearby? And can I come stay with you? There's no way I can go home."  
  
"Yeah, sure," Blondie said, and passed the phone over to Amber.  
  
They were staying at a youth shelter, Amber informed Sweet Pea. It was a place for gay teens to live if they'd been kicked out of their house by their parents. She'd seen an flyer about it in the club they'd gone to about a month back, and had copied down the information just in case. It was a just over a three hour drive from from the shelter to Camp Lennox, Amber said, and so Sweet Pea resigned herself to waiting for them to arrive.  
  
It was both terrifying and a relief, she decided, to have been kicked out. Terrifying in the sense that she had  _no_  idea where she was going to go from here, but a relief in that she no longer had to keep pretending to be someone that she wasn't. Camp had been okay when she'd still thought she was straight, but it had become unbearable as the summer had worn on and Sweet Pea had discovered she wasn't who she'd thought she was.   
  
She willed herself not to think about Babydoll, even though she wanted to, somewhat desperately. There was so much that had been left unsaid and now, an hour after their last conversation -- their last  _argument_  -- Sweet Pea felt even worse than before. She wished she hadn't let herself get so angry, that she'd let Babydoll just explain. Of course, there was no remedying that now; Sweet Pea was fairly certain she'd never see Babydoll again.  
  
 _That_  thought brought tears to her eyes and she quickly wiped them away, as a van came rolling along down the road, pulling to a stop a few feet away from her.  
  
"Come on, loser," Blondie called out playfully from the passenger seat, grinning as she leaned out the window. "We don't have all day you know."  
  
The side door slid open and Amber hopped out, helping Sweet Pea stuff her bags into the backseat. Sweet Pea took one last look at the camp before climbing into the van and pulling the door shut behind her. Reaching for her seatbelt, she saw that the man who had let them into the club a month earlier. He smiled at Sweet Pea as their eyes met in the rearview mirror.  
  
"Sweet Pea," Blondie said, turning around in her seat and gesturing at the man. "This is the Wise Man."  
  
It sounded like some kind of title or maybe a joke; Sweet Pea wasn't entirely certain. "Hi," she said, buckling her seatbelt. "Thanks for coming to pick me up."  
  
The Wise Man smiled at her. "Not a problem," he replied, shifting the van into drive. "I'm happy to help. You look exhausted though," he commented, as Sweet Pea yawned. "Why don't you try and get some rest? We've got a long way to go."  
  
Sweet Pea nodded and put her head against the window, drifting off to sleep as she watched Camp Lennox disappear into the distance.  
  
  
;;  
  
  
The shelter was bigger than Sweet Pea expected it to be. Amber and Blondie led her up to their room, telling her that she could stay in here until another room opened up for her. Sweet Pea set her bags down on the small cot assigned to her, surveying the room. It was painted a light blue color with a navy border to match the curtains. Blondie and Amber had tacked various pictures over the walls -- mostly above their bed, though, which was against the wall opposite Sweet Pea.  
  
"I hope you don’t mind having to room with us," Amber said, sitting down on the edge of her bed and folding her hands in her lap. "We figured you’d prefer to be with people you knew than shoved in with a stranger."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"And don’t worry," Blondie added, winking at Sweet Pea. "We’ll like, totally put a sock on the door knob or whatever so that way you won’t walk in on us when we’re doing it."  
  
Amber blushed a bright red color. "Suzie!" she exclaimed, looking scandalized.   
  
But Sweet Pea just laughed, nodding. "That sounds like a good idea," she told Blondie, grinning.   
  
The first few nights were hard; Sweet Pea had to adjust to the idea of freedom. There were rules at the shelter, of course, but aside from that, Sweet Pea was pretty much left alone. Amber was lucky enough to be able to take classes at a community college nearby, thanks to the shelter, while Blondie had landed a job as a waitress so that they could start saving up to move out once they turned eighteen.   
  
Sweet Pea knew she should be doing something other than just moping around in their bedroom from day to day, but she just couldn’t seem to work up the energy to be motivated. She’d half-expected her parents to call her after she’d gotten kicked out of camp, if only to yell at her, but they hadn’t. It was like she didn’t even matter to them anymore and it hurt, so much; it was like a knife in her throat.   
  
Babydoll hadn’t called either, but Sweet Pea hadn’t really expected her too.  
  
"Oh, come on," Amber sighed finally, a week later. She crawled into bed next to Sweet Pea, pushing the hair back from Sweet Pea’s forehead and kissing her there. "I know you miss your family, but it will get better soon, honestly. If anyone should be upset, it should be  _them_. And who knows, maybe they’ll come around eventually."  
  
Sweet Pea sighed. "But what if they don’t?"  
  
Amber shrugged. "Then they don’t. But you shouldn't let it bother you. I mean, if your parents didn't even want to know who you were -- who you  _really_ were -- then that's their problem, not yours. If they're really never going to change their minds about how they see you, then it's just their loss."  
  
"I just don't know." Sweet Pea started to cry. "I mean, okay, sure, I could deal with my parents, probably," she said into Amber's shoulder. "But I just don't get why Babydoll didn't -- why didn't she tell the truth? Why did she had to lie to Gorski and pretend like she never had any sort of feelings for me?"  
  
"She was scared," Amber told her, rubbing her back.  
  
"But, so was  _I_!" Sweet Pea protested. "Do you think  _I_  wanted Gorski to kick me out? To have my parents disown me? I could have lied too and made up some kind of ridiculous story to try and save face. But I didn't. I didn't because I knew that it wouldn't be right." She sniffed. "I thought Babydoll would have known that too. I guess not."  
  
Amber sighed again. "Well, maybe she'll come around too," she suggested. "I mean, you don't know. Just give it some time."  
  
"She won't," Sweet Pea said, defeated. "She won't."   
  
  
;;  
  
  
The next day, Rocket called.  
  
"So, apparently you're this big homo," she said, shockingly nonchalantly. "Mom and dad are so pissed right now about it, you have no idea." She sounded quite amused by the whole thing. "At least they haven't yet figured out that they're still paying for your cell phone, otherwise I would have no idea where to find you."  
  
"You're not, you know, bothered by it?" Sweet Pea asked, surprised.  
  
Rocket laughed. "Bothered by what, you being gay? You're my  _sister_ , Sweet Pea. I don't care  _who_  you like. Honestly, the only thing that bothers me is that it took you so long to figure it out. I mean, really. I would have said something sooner, but you were so adamant about being straight. I thought it would probably be best for you to work it out on your own."  
  
Sweet Pea snorted. "I'm glad you find this so entertaining."  
  
"Well, one of us has to. So. Who's this girl who apparently is leading you straight to Hell? She sounds nice."  
  
"There's not much to tell," Sweet Pea said, even as the whole story came tumbling out of her. She told Rocket about how she'd slowly fallen in love with Babydoll, how she'd been so confused by it all, and how in the end, she'd finally figured out that yes, she was gay. Really,  _really_  gay, apparently. And everything had been going well, until Gorski had caught her and Babydoll kissing.   
  
She told Rocket about what Babydoll had said to Gorski, too, about how Babydoll had acted like she didn't actually have any feelings for Sweet Pea, making Sweet Pea out to be some kind of weird lesbian predator or whatever. "She tried to tell me that it didn't mean anything," Sweet Pea said, picking at a tear in her jeans. "You know, what she said to her aunt. But that didn't make me feel any better. And I know she was scared. I  _get_  that. But is just seems . . . I don't know."  
  
Rocket was quiet. "Well, you love her, don't you?" she asked, after a little while.   
  
Sweet Pea rolled her eyes. "It's like you don't even listen to me sometimes, I swear -- "  
  
"I just  _mean_ ," Rocket went on, cutting her off, "that if you love her, you shouldn't give up on her. You should go out and  _fight_  for your girl! The sister  _I_ knew, straight or not, wouldn't have given up so easily. Remember all the times when you used to get into fights with the boys at school? Even though you always got all cut up and our parents  _always_  grounded you? Why did you do that?"  
  
"Because I'm your sister, obviously. And I love you."  
  
" _Exactly_. We do lots of stuff for the people we love, even though it may hurt us. But we do it  _because_  we love them. And I think that if you really love Babydoll, that you'll go fight for her, even if you might come away with a few more bruises than you went in with. Besides," she said, sounding like she was smiling. "I'm sure Gorski is no worse than those boys from the playground."  
  
"It's not even nearly the same thing," Sweet Pea protested.  
  
"It  _is_ ," Rocket insisted, and Sweet Pea could just imagine her sister standing in front of her, hands on her hips, her chest puffed out. Demanding that Sweet Pea stand up and take care of things. "It is and you  _know_  it is. So what are you going to do about that?"  
  
  
;;  
  
  
"Are you sure this is going to work?" Blondie asked, as she followed Sweet Pea over the fence and towards the recreation fields where Camp Lennox's graduation ceremony was taking place. "I mean, I run into things headlong all the time, but it's going to suck if Babydoll says no."  
  
"Well, I'm kind of hoping she doesn't," Sweet Pea said quietly.  
  
She could see the rows of chairs on the grass and the stage, right up front, banners draped down over the front of it declaring the names of everyone who had, apparently, successfully become heterosexual. As they drew nearer, Sweet Pea felt butterflies stirring in her stomach. Her heart was pounding so loudly that she was certain everyone else could hear it.  
  
They stopped just beyond the last row of chairs, ducking behind the bleachers which stood off to one side. Sweet Pea saw Babydoll sitting up on the stage beside Blue and the other counselors. They were all watching Gorski give a speech about how well all of the graduates had done, overcoming numerous -- and, Gorski added, with emphasis, sometimes seemingly  _insurmountable_  -- obstacles on the road to becoming regular, normal heterosexuals.  
  
"Come on," Blondie said, giving Sweet Pea a little push. "It's now or never. Go out there and get her, Juliet."  
  
Sweet Pea took a deep breath and stood up.  
  
No one seemed to notice her at first, walking down the aisle between the two rows. And then Gorski spotted her and stopped right there in the middle of her speech, looking flustered. "Charlotte," she said, into the microphone. "You're not supposed to be here. I think you should leave -- quietly, before things get out of hand."  
  
"Marie!" Sweet Pea called, ignoring her and looking at Babydoll, who was staring at her, frozen. "Um." She faltered, suddenly self-conscious, aware of everyone watching her. They murmured amongst themselves, disgusted by Sweet Pea's interruption. "Marie," Sweet Pea started again, squaring her shoulders. "Do you know what the name Charlotte means? It means 'free man.'  _Freedom_. I didn't know that I wasn't free, when I came here. I didn't realize how much I hated myself. But you,  _you_  showed me what was wrong and you gave me the courage to fix it."  
  
"Sweet Pea," Gorski warned.   
  
"And I  _did_  fix it," Sweet Pea said, bravely pushing onwards. "Because you knew it would make me happy.  _You_  made me happy. But I didn't know then that you needed me to show you what was wrong too. That you needed me to help fix you. So now I'm here. Because I  _do_  want to fix you. And I want to help you to be free too."  
  
Babydoll's mouth twitched, the corners turning upwards into a smile. She stood up, looking back and forth between Gorski and Sweet Pea, as if uncertain what to do. "Charlotte," she said softly.   
  
"I love you," Sweet Pea said, smiling at her. "Come on," she said, taking a step towards the stage and holding out her hand. "It's not so hard, freedom."  
  
Babydoll hesitated and in that one moment, Sweet Pea was certain that she would be rejected again, but then Babydoll was jumping off the stage and running towards her, wrapping her arms around Sweet Pea in a tight embrace. "Let's go," Babydoll said, glancing over her shoulder as Gorski began to shout at her, telling her to stop at once. She grabbed Sweet Pea's hand, tugging her along as they ran towards the front gate.  
  
Amber had the van door open and ready for them; Sweet Pea and Babydoll jumped inside, followed closely by Blondie, who slammed the door shut, laughing. "We got her," she said, leaning into the front seat and grinning at the Wise Man. "Time to go home."  
  
"Now," Sweet Pea panted, out of breath and smiling ridiculously, "what do you think your parents will have to say about that?"  
  
"You know, I really  _don't_  care," Babydoll replied with a laugh, and pulled Sweet Pea in for a kiss.  
  
  
;;  
  
  
When they arrived back at the shelter, there was someone sitting on the porch steps; it wasn’t until they drew nearer that Sweet Pea was able to make out who it was: it was her sister, Rocket, sitting there with her backpack and a suitcase. She looked up from her phone as the van pulled into the driveway.  
  
Sweet Pea was pulling the door open before the van even stopped moving and running across the lawn to hug her sister. "Rocket!" Sweet Pea exclaimed, holding onto her as tightly as she could. "Oh, I missed you so much."  
  
"I figured as much," Rocket teased, giving Sweet Pea a kiss on the cheek. "But, hey. I missed you too."  
  
Sweet Pea took a step back, as the other girls piled out of the car, coming over to crowd around them. "Guys," Sweet Pea said excitedly, "this is my younger sister, Rocket. Rocket, this is everyone." She went around the group, introducing everyone. "And this is Babydoll," she said at last, grinning from ear to ear. "My girlfriend." It felt so nice to finally be able to say it.  
  
"Ah, I’ve heard about you," Rocket remarked, winking at Babydoll, who looked terribly pleased but blushed all the same.  
  
"What are you doing here?" Sweet Pea asked, turning to Rocket once more. " _How_  did you get here, is probably a better question."  
  
"I took a bus." Rocket shrugged. "Also, I walked a lot. Well, a little, anyway. Only because I ran out of money for the taxi. And you told me you were staying in a shelter, so it wasn’t all that hard to find you. There aren’t too many places like this in southern Vermont, you know. Or any, aside from this one."  
  
"But, what about mom and dad?"  
  
Rocket beamed at her. "Don't worry about them. I did some thinking and I decided, if they don't want you, then they don't want me either. We're sisters; we look out for each other. Duh." She leaned forward and fixed the collar of Sweet Pea's polo shirt, just like Sweet Pea had always done for her when they were in elementary school together. "Besides, I'm pretty sure they'll come around pretty quick now that I'm gone as well. But until then, I see no reason why we can't have a little fun."  
  
Sweet Pea tousled her hair, the way she used to do when they were little kids. "You're such an idiot. But thanks." She smiled, wrapping an arm around her sister's shoulders. She reached forward towards Babydoll with her free hand; Babydoll stepped forward and took it with a smile, lacing their fingers together  
  
"So," Rocket said, looking around the group with a lop-sided grin. "What do we do now?"


End file.
